Journal Entery 9/21/08

Today was Sunday... Sunday's are a long day for me. I am not complaining they are often a great day! I usually get up at 6:30 leave the house by 7:20 and don't get home until about 9 and then in bed by 11. 

I drove home after having taken a student home and I noticed a girl on the side of the road waiting for the bus. As I got closer I recognized the girl. She was someone that I had spent some time with a few years ago in the youth group. I hadn't really talked to her in a while. So I was faced with a dilemma that normally is not a dilemma. I had a conversation with someone that was really more like conflict resolution. Conflict and I are not good friends. Conflict usually finds a way to wipe me out, and keep my mind processing over and over all the things that I should have, could have, said instead or in place of. After 2 hours of resolving the conflict, I was done.

As I drove by I thought I should turn around and see where she is going and see if she wanted a ride. I was so wiped, and so needing to get home to safe haven that I drove right passed and then got frustrated with myself for telling students to take time for people, sacrifice for people, and put their needs in front of yours and then I plow through it. I disconnected with you and who you are God. I disconnected with the girl because I was unwilling to put her before myself. 

I am sure she got where she was supposed to go, I am sure her day wasn't interrupted because I didn't stop, I live in Mission Viejo so I am sure she was fine. That is not the point. The point is being faithful. 

But the leadership small group we started with the High School was amazing. Students opened up, revealed some things in their lives. I sat back as I watch them support each other and love each other through some pretty rough stuff. It was amazing to see just how much they loved each other and cared for each other. I have much to learn from them.

Journal Entery 9/20/08

Today is my sabbath day, not because I keep a Saturday as my sabbath, no that's usually Friday. Today is my sabbath day because I am feeling good and I am making it my sabbath. So I am going to go do some things that make me... me. 

Journal Entery 9/19/08

Today was a pretty low key day. Still pretty sick, still cant really sleep at night, still hoping I get better soon. A good friend of mine asked me to go paddle boarding with him, which I have always wanted to do but just havent had the chance, and today is no exception. Then he offered to meet up with me for lunch, but I just couldnt do it. I slept right through lunch. I hate missing things like that. I love to experience things and be with people so I always feel like I am missing out when opportunities pass by.

We were also just about completely out of food because we were gone most of last week  because we went to our good friends Bryan and Careena's wedding in Nor Cal. So we didnt buy groceries for the week we were gone and we basically have been home for a week, so we have nothing. I decided to go get groceries which was not the best idea although eating sounded much better than not eating. 

I always feel prompted to talk to people in places like the grocery store, the gym, the gas station, etc. I see places like that as a part of my community and often I feel a responsibility to engage in my community. This time around I chose to ignore it. There was a lady who was next to me looking at the gala apples. As she picked up an apple she started mumbling some things, which is usually when I would chime in and say something to engage in conversation. This time I didnt. I just grabbed my apples and left. As I walked away I felt like I missed an opportunity. I dont know why I feel that responsibility and sometimes I wish it would go away because there are times like today that I choose to ignore it and then I feel horrible missing that opportunity. 

After I got home and finally ate something, I started feeling a little bit better which is a huge positive. Then I went and visited my friends Scott and Christin for a bit because it was Scott's b-day. It was awesome seeing them and having some good conversation about church and theology. They are way smarter than I am, so usually its me trying to process the deep insights they have on it all. 

God thank you so much for good friends like Ashton, Scott and Christin, and all the others that I have in my life. Forgive me for the times that I dont engage with the people you have allowed me to be around. 

Journal Entery 9/18/08

Today was much of the same as yesterday. Still feeling sick, still laying in bed trying to get rest hoping that will make me feel better. My head is still in a "fog" and I zone out very quickly. I feel apathetic and lazy but at the same time I am trying to make this rest like a Sabbath. Its amazing to me how much I define my "worth" by the productivity I create instead of my worth coming from who I am. I am loved. I am a child of God. I am unique and wonderfully made in the image of God. There is no one like me, not even one similar who has my personality, my smile, my feelings, my thoughts, my fingerprint. 

Some of the darkness that I continue to wrestle through is defining who I am not by what I do or what I accomplish, but simply by being me. Is it ok that I dont own my own home? Is it ok that I dont make triple figures a year? Is it ok that I shop at places like TJ Max? Is it ok that I am an introvert in what seems to be an extrovert position? Knowing the answer to these questions and so many more is yes, it's ok because that's who I am. Yet owning it the majority of the time is a constant struggle. 

God where are you in all of this? You are the voice that keeps calling me, giving me hope that yes it is ok to be me. You are the light that shines in those dark moments exposing the truth that you do love me for who I am. You are the stories written in the pages of the scriptures, and yet you are in the stories written in pages of my life that points to hope, healing, restoration in the midst of the chaos, brokenness, and emptiness.  

Journal Entry 9/17/08

I made a commitment to the students and myself that I would take the challenge of journaling as we went through the Day of Atonement preparation. So here I am finding myself starting yet another journal.

My day today was relaxing as I woke up on Tuesday morning sick with a sore throat and pretty bad nasal congestion. Seems like everyone has it. Nonetheless, I was laid out in bed for most of the day which is difficult for me because then I cant be out and about hanging out and meeting with people. In fact I think that is where I felt most disconnected and separated today. As I got on campus, my head was in a fog and I felt more like I was dreaming then I was at church, I didn't engage with the students nearly as much as I like to or wanted to. I had a conversation with a few of them, but for the most part there wasn't much of a connection. I didn't play dodge ball like I usually do, I didn't hug people like I usually do, and I didn't stop to listen how people were doing like I usually do. I just felt out of it.

I did have a few minutes to do a Lectio Divina before church started which was rad. I opened up to a random psalm and it ended up being psalm 37. I read verse one and found myself focusing on the word fret. I began to feel anxious and frustrated as I kept going over that word in my head. As I asked myself, what is it about this word, why this word God, I began to notice that you were simply saying that you have things taken care of and I need to just drop it. I realized there were somethings that I was holding onto in the youth group wanting them to go a certain way and I was worried about them and that's why I was feeling anxious and frustrated. Now lets see if I can just let them go!

Day of Atonement

Last night we started a 3 week preparation for the Day of Atonement which happens to fall on Oct 8-9 this year. As we all know Jesus is our atonement and we no longer have to wait each year to start over, we have direct access to God through the name and person of Jesus. However, there is something significant, something freeing when we designate some time to really wrestle with our past sins, lay them down as a sacrifice to God, and recognize that we are forgiven and clean. 

We started the night at the church and then took a very short drive over to a near by school. I parked the vehicles just before the school so we had some time to walk a little bit. On our journey up to the school I stopped at 2 separate houses and asked questions like, who do you think lives in that house? What if it was a single mom, or a homosexual couple, what do you think it would be like to live in that house? What kind of God do you think they are looking for or in need of?

We then found the darkest corner we possibly could find at the school and made our way to it. I have to admit it was a little relaxing and a little scary at the same time. There were some bushes that I am pretty sure something was living in because the bushes kept moving and making noise. 

Once we were settled in the corner I had everyone stop and just check in with themselves. What did they hear, what did they see, what did they notice, how were they feeling? We then talked about being "kicked out into outer darkness." I asked them what kind of people our society kicks out into darkness? I then asked them, what does that say about our society.?

I got responses such as, people who go against the grain and are individuals, people that don't conform to society get kicked out. People who aren't willing to be up to date with fashion, technology, and the fast pace of life get kicked out. They said our society is shallow, and into themselves.

Then I asked the same questions about the church. Not our church or any one church but the church in general. The responses I got were, people who didn't believe exactly what the church wanted them to, homosexuals, prostitutes, people who are different. They said church is intolerant, narrow, always having to be right, and draws lines. 

Then I asked them what kind of people they personally ignore or want to kick out of their life. Most of the responses I got were family, I think they were half joking, half serious. Then they said people who are different from them, people who are intolerant of different opinions. 

I then asked them to tell stories that they could remember in the bible of when Jesus spent time with the people who were kicked out and considered to be living in darkness. At first they said every story is like that. So I asked them to start recalling some specific ones. As they retold the stories of Jesus I asked them why those particular stories came to mind. I was looking for how those stories related to the person telling the story. 

Then we talked about how our story collides with God's story and how if we are going to be like Jesus we have to be willing to understand what its like to live in darkness, to be kicked out and rejected. We have to be willing to recognize and own our darkness as well. 

I then challenged the group to journal during this week of what went on during their day and look times that you felt disconnect, rejected, or separated and write down how that felt, what thoughts went through your mind and how you responded to it. 

I committed to journal through this as well, so I will be posting parts of my journals this week as well.

Finding a Rhythm

I heard Rob Bell say that the ancient Hebrews believed that breathing is a physical picture of a deeper reality. For me I haven't really noticed my breath and how it reacts and adjusts to things in life until recently.

As many of you know I have hurt my back on several occasions the over the last year or so, and from that I have begun to notice when my back is at its limit, or when I haven't been doing my exercises, or when I haven't stretched. 

A few months ago I was at the dentist and they told me that I needed a mouth piece because I was grinding my teeth severely. I didn't believe them. The Doc told me that my teeth should never touch each other unless I am chewing while I am eating. I started to pay a bit more attention to clenching my jaw and sure enough I constantly bit down hard. 

I have always said to people that I don't think people sigh just to sigh, usually there is something behind it, some thought, some emotion, some spark that caused them to sigh. I began to notice that my breathing had turned to frequent sighs. 

My mind was constantly occupied with things that stressed me out, or that I was worrying about, and sometimes they were meaningless thoughts or day dreams that consumed my thoughts. The thoughts, of course, then drove several emotions that would then make me sigh. 

Your breath has a natural rhythm to it, and often the slower deeper you breath the more it tends to calm and relax your body, mind, and emotions. 

I have recently committed to gain more awareness of my rhythm of life, because of this I decided to stop listening to the radio in my car as much, and any down time I have to prayer the Jesus Prayer. 

I started with breathing in saying "Lord, Son of David" and exhaling saying "have mercy on me, a sinner." As I tried to pray that in rhythm with my breathing I noticed I focused way more on trying to say all that in rhythm instead of just letting it happen. I relaxed a little bit and tried to see what came out naturally. I found myself praying "Lord, have mercy on me" on my inhale and praying "a sinner" on the exhale. 

Its been about 3 days since I have started that, and though the rhythm of breathing is natural, its been a struggle to consistently pray during the down time and the car rides. I suppose that's why they call it a spiritual discipline. 

Perhaps when it becomes less of a struggle to pray I will have greater insight of the deeper realities that the breath points the spirit of life, but for now it remains more of a discipline.

The Students Speak

A few weeks ago I took in a big ol' thing of butcher paper into our Sunday morning service with Jr High and High School students. At the top of the paper I wrote adult. I then proceeded to ask the students what they think adult life is like. I was amazed at the answers.

The majority, not all, but majority, used words like responsibility, stressed out, busy, passionless, don't live out their dreams, no friends/social life, dislike their jobs, etc. 

Whether adult life is like this or not, the reality is, is this is what students are seeing and believing adult life is all about, and it scares them.